Death Eater

I was just looking at some profiles on a dating site and came across a user whose name I thought was "Death Eater".  I was momentarily excited.  "Is this guy really into Harry Potter?  I mean, Death Eaters are the bad guys, but maybe there's a funny story there.  Maybe it's ironic.  The important thing is, he likes Harry Potter."

Upon second glance, I realized his user name was, sadly, not Death Eater.  Oh well, a girl can hope.  Besides, Godric Gryffindor would have been a far superior name choice.

Where the Boys Are

Sometimes when I get frustrated at the lack of datable men in my surroundings, I imagine that they all live in a particular community.  In case you were wondering, that community is real and it’s called Pasadena.  Now, I have no proof that there’s a gaggle (yes, I’m grouping men by the term “gaggle”) of smart, thoughtful, deep, and quirky men there, but in my mind, they all live there because: a) They don’t live by me; and b) Guys like that should definitely flock to Pasadena, right?  I mean, Pasadena is amazing.  Have you been there?  It’s like visiting Europe…in Southern California.  The coffee shops.  The amazing book stores.  The insane architecture everywhere!  Who doesn't like Pasadena?

One night I was hanging out with a friend and we were going to a lecture by a philosopher who was talking about the value of art.  We were convinced that a lecture of this caliber would bring out all the smart, thoughtful, deep, and quirky men out of the woodwork.  We carefully assembled our outfits, fully embracing our inner smoldering librarians.  Then, to our dismay, discovered the lecture was full of undergrads.  Woh woh!  The lecture was definitely worth attending, but apparently, these men discovered our plot, remaining safe and sound (in Pasadena).

Ultimately, this may speak more to my love of Pasadena, and possibly a not-so-realistic idea of the living patterns of single men, than to anything else.  Yet, there’s something comforting in thinking that this community exists.  Almost like a personal Atlantis – the lost city of single men.  It’s out there and one day I’ll find it.  On days when my singleness feels like the neverending story, I’m grateful for a laugh and some fairy tale indulgences. 

Wondering if anyone out there can relate?  Where is your fairy land of single men?

And in case you were wondering, yes, the title does reference the 60’s film and song:

My (Wo)Manifesto or Declaration of Dating Principles

Somehow, writing this out felt like a helpful and cathartic practice for me.  I won't get into the details of why this statement came about, but it definitely came from something.  There's a part of me that's scared to post this.  As I told my co-workers, I feel as though I'll be seen as a bit of a shrew.  Yet, this is my story, today.

My (Wo)Manifesto or Declaration of Dating Principles

To the best of my abilities and with God’s help, I say:

• yes to good, clear communication, even when it is challenging or uncomfortable.
• no to games, mind trickery and the like.
• yes to asking for the input of my friends and community in dating.
• no to adjusting central/core values just to be liked by a man.
• yes to discerning God’s journey for me in this experience of dating.
• no to the lie that I will find myself through a relationship with a man.
• yes to learning how to be vulnerable, in relationally appropriate ways.

So, fellow readers, what am I missing?  It's definitely a work in progress, but it felt like a good start.  What is your (wo)manifesto?

Why I don't Give Blood...

I guess the full title for this post should be: Why I don't give blood and what that has to do with dating. A few weeks ago there was a blood drive on the campus where I work. It reminded me of the last time I gave blood...

Many years ago, when I was a wee college lass, I had a crush on a guy in the Christian ministry I was involved with. Every year during the week between Christmas and New Year's the ministry would gather with students from all over California and Arizona (and occasionally Hawaii). The first year I went, this guy, we'll call him John, gave blood. I was impressed by this selfless act and took note. The next year, I still liked him, and thought I should give blood. Because once he saw how selfless I was, he'd make the connection that we should date. That's how things work, right? But here's the thing. I hated needles. Now, I'd had shots, done blood tests, etc., but it was never a fun experience for me. However, I found myself tired a lot, so assumed I was anemic. They test you for that before you give blood, so I thought I'd get in line, but be dismissed. I get all the credit for being "selfless", but don't have to deal with the needle. It's a win-win.

I gather my friends and we line up give blood. All the while, I'm looking around for John. He of course, is nowhere to be found. One by one, we get tested, and my friends are being wiped out like a plague - they all are anemic. I'm finally tested. And guess what? I'm approved to donate blood. Curses, my plan has failed! I have to give blood and John can't witness my "selflessness".

Later that night, all the members from my campus go out to dinner. John is there. We were at some weird place where every 15 minutes the servers would do a dance routine to a song. When "Wild, Wild West" came on (see, I told you this happened a long time ago), my friend and I decided to join in with the servers. As I am mid-lasso, I begin to remember the thing they told me earlier that day about not doing a lot of physical activity. Then the darkness starts to close in. I hurry to get back to my seat to prevent my fainting. All the while, I look ridiculous, staggering to my seat. I try to explain why I'm woozy, but between the music playing so loudly and my being woozy, I don't think anyone comprehends what's going on. Except that I am strange. And that is what John witnesses. Not my "selfless" giving of life to another, but my staggering around and talking incoherently.

So, that's why I haven't given blood since then. Actually, it's not a complete no, but I will never again give blood to try to impress a boy.

Dating as Sanctification

I had the privilege of skyping with a dear friend today (so grateful for technology in those moments) and my dating life came up. Her friend had read a book that recommended single people to make it a goal over one week’s time to have a conversation with, and give their contact information, to five members of the opposite sex. She thought it might be something I should try. My response? Panic. Pure and utter panic. Now, she is not a friend who goes around trying to fix me. When she gives a recommendation, I know she has prayed about it and that it is at the very least, worth my consideration. The panic itself was sort of a confirmation that everything was not ok internally, that these are places the Lord wants to heal, and that I was headed in the right direction. Shit.

Part of me can see the Lord’s call in this. The other part is terrified. This is the way things go with me. When the Lord touches parts of my heart that are extremely vulnerable I respond with panic and stubbornness. But eventually it dies down and I relent. I am waiting for the relenting to begin.

Gary Thomas wrote a book called “Scared Marriage”. His thesis revolves around the idea that, while marriage can be a joyful thing, its main purpose is for sanctification. As I sat and thought about this conversation with my friend, I had a similar idea about dating. Dating, at least for me, feels like a process of sanctification. It feels a little odd to write this, and yet, I think it is true. Somehow, through this bizarre process of meeting others, the Lord is purifying me, and revealing the places in me that are scared to trust another. To trust another man. To trust God. Or in my case, considering going out and more intentionally meeting others.

Still not relenting yet, but maybe a few steps closer to doing so. Lord have mercy!

First Date

I have a friend going on a first date this Friday. It's been fun walking through this process with her, evaluating her date's comments, witnessing the anxiety. And of course, the best part, picking an outfit to wear. It's so much more relaxing when you're not the datee. I can sit back, relax and express my inner fashion guru. "Wedge heels are a must!" "And you should tie something in your hair." However, the big question was, where he was going to take her. Tonight our question was answered, a gastro pub. We both agreed it was a good choice. Casual, but fun. Comfort food and a good beer selection. What more could a girl ask for? As a side note, my friend mentioned she was glad he didn't ask her to Red Lobster. Well, that got me thinking about the worst restaurants for first dates. Here's the list we started, with a few additional gems:

-Red Lobster
-McDonalds (and pretty much any other fast food place, except In-N-Out. I'd let them cater my wedding).
-Hometown Buffet
-Norms (I went to eat there once, but saw a rat run out of the kitchen as I was parking my car)
-Sizzlers
-Long John Silver
-Medieval Times
-Taco Bell
-The Waffle House (for my friends in the South)
-Hooters
-Chuck E. Cheese

And possibly the winner:
-Costco food court...or too cheap and goes just for the samples inside. (I don't know if this has ever happened, but man, wouldn't that be a great story?)

Online Dating: Part Two

So, I've ventured back into the world of online dating. This time doesn't feel as daunting. It was a huge deal for me to even sign up for an account awhile ago. I'm not sure if I've had enough time to accept the idea, or if it's just the general sense of freedom I feel in my life right now (or a combination of the both), but I feel surprisingly optimistic about signing up again. Plus, I got a great deal.

Last night I was looking at my matches and I started listing the things that elicit automatic no's from me, or as Liz Lemon would call it, a Dealbreaker. Enjoy!


Automatic Shut it Downs:
-Repeated grammatical mistakes (i.e. "Your" instead of "You're"). I'm not expecting perfect grammar and I realize we all have the occasional typo, but I can only overlook so much. I'm not perfect. Or if you list your profession as a surgeon, but misspell the word surgeon. Ugh.
-Blurry photo - and that's the only photo. In this age of digital technology, how hard is it to take another photo?
-Mentioning a Proverbs 31 woman. This one ticks me off. It feels like a cop out. Instead of listing what you are actually looking for in a woman, you just point to a chapter that paints the picture of a perfect woman. I get anxious when I read Proverbs 31. When I see a guy list that, I feel as though he's looking for a woman to do everything for him. And I get tired.
-Photo with a girl obviously cropped out of the photo. Just choose another photo. Are you trying to tell me that you're desirable? Instead, you look like a player.
-Makes fun of Harry Potter. Ridikulous! I heart Harry Potter, and while it's not a requirement for the guy I date to appreciate it, I don't like it when you look down on it.
-Writing in all caps. STOP SHOUTING AT ME!

This list is not exhaustive. What makes you want to Shut it Down?