Dating as Sanctification

I had the privilege of skyping with a dear friend today (so grateful for technology in those moments) and my dating life came up. Her friend had read a book that recommended single people to make it a goal over one week’s time to have a conversation with, and give their contact information, to five members of the opposite sex. She thought it might be something I should try. My response? Panic. Pure and utter panic. Now, she is not a friend who goes around trying to fix me. When she gives a recommendation, I know she has prayed about it and that it is at the very least, worth my consideration. The panic itself was sort of a confirmation that everything was not ok internally, that these are places the Lord wants to heal, and that I was headed in the right direction. Shit.

Part of me can see the Lord’s call in this. The other part is terrified. This is the way things go with me. When the Lord touches parts of my heart that are extremely vulnerable I respond with panic and stubbornness. But eventually it dies down and I relent. I am waiting for the relenting to begin.

Gary Thomas wrote a book called “Scared Marriage”. His thesis revolves around the idea that, while marriage can be a joyful thing, its main purpose is for sanctification. As I sat and thought about this conversation with my friend, I had a similar idea about dating. Dating, at least for me, feels like a process of sanctification. It feels a little odd to write this, and yet, I think it is true. Somehow, through this bizarre process of meeting others, the Lord is purifying me, and revealing the places in me that are scared to trust another. To trust another man. To trust God. Or in my case, considering going out and more intentionally meeting others.

Still not relenting yet, but maybe a few steps closer to doing so. Lord have mercy!

First Date

I have a friend going on a first date this Friday. It's been fun walking through this process with her, evaluating her date's comments, witnessing the anxiety. And of course, the best part, picking an outfit to wear. It's so much more relaxing when you're not the datee. I can sit back, relax and express my inner fashion guru. "Wedge heels are a must!" "And you should tie something in your hair." However, the big question was, where he was going to take her. Tonight our question was answered, a gastro pub. We both agreed it was a good choice. Casual, but fun. Comfort food and a good beer selection. What more could a girl ask for? As a side note, my friend mentioned she was glad he didn't ask her to Red Lobster. Well, that got me thinking about the worst restaurants for first dates. Here's the list we started, with a few additional gems:

-Red Lobster
-McDonalds (and pretty much any other fast food place, except In-N-Out. I'd let them cater my wedding).
-Hometown Buffet
-Norms (I went to eat there once, but saw a rat run out of the kitchen as I was parking my car)
-Sizzlers
-Long John Silver
-Medieval Times
-Taco Bell
-The Waffle House (for my friends in the South)
-Hooters
-Chuck E. Cheese

And possibly the winner:
-Costco food court...or too cheap and goes just for the samples inside. (I don't know if this has ever happened, but man, wouldn't that be a great story?)

Online Dating: Part Two

So, I've ventured back into the world of online dating. This time doesn't feel as daunting. It was a huge deal for me to even sign up for an account awhile ago. I'm not sure if I've had enough time to accept the idea, or if it's just the general sense of freedom I feel in my life right now (or a combination of the both), but I feel surprisingly optimistic about signing up again. Plus, I got a great deal.

Last night I was looking at my matches and I started listing the things that elicit automatic no's from me, or as Liz Lemon would call it, a Dealbreaker. Enjoy!


Automatic Shut it Downs:
-Repeated grammatical mistakes (i.e. "Your" instead of "You're"). I'm not expecting perfect grammar and I realize we all have the occasional typo, but I can only overlook so much. I'm not perfect. Or if you list your profession as a surgeon, but misspell the word surgeon. Ugh.
-Blurry photo - and that's the only photo. In this age of digital technology, how hard is it to take another photo?
-Mentioning a Proverbs 31 woman. This one ticks me off. It feels like a cop out. Instead of listing what you are actually looking for in a woman, you just point to a chapter that paints the picture of a perfect woman. I get anxious when I read Proverbs 31. When I see a guy list that, I feel as though he's looking for a woman to do everything for him. And I get tired.
-Photo with a girl obviously cropped out of the photo. Just choose another photo. Are you trying to tell me that you're desirable? Instead, you look like a player.
-Makes fun of Harry Potter. Ridikulous! I heart Harry Potter, and while it's not a requirement for the guy I date to appreciate it, I don't like it when you look down on it.
-Writing in all caps. STOP SHOUTING AT ME!

This list is not exhaustive. What makes you want to Shut it Down?

Pick-up Lines: Epic Fail!

“I'm looking for the queen of hearts; not the queen of diamonds.” I found this gem on one of the dating sites I’m on. I just can’t stand pick-up lines. I want to vomit in my mouth, cringe, and verbally assault the person who dared try that on me. They hit me as fake and shallow. But yet, guys still use them, so maybe they work sometimes? I honestly think that the only time a pick-up line would work for me is if he picked the cheesiest one around and played it off as the ironic pick-up line. Essentially, you’re doing this in full recognition that it is lame and embracing it as a joke. Now that’s hot.

Anyways, here are some funny Christian ones I found – get ready to be nauseous:

• Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
• You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.
• Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
• Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
• What?! Friends listen to Amazing Grace in the dark.
• Has anyone ever told you, your eyes are like doves and your neck like the tower of David (read Song of Solomon)?
• I don't speak in tongues, but i kiss that way!
• Hi, my name's Will...God's Will
• [check the person's shirt tag] "just as i thought... made in heaven."
• What do you think Paul meant when he said, "Greet one another with a holy kiss."? (1 Cor 16:20b)
• Before tonight, I never believed in predestination.
• How would you like to join my Purpose Driven Life?
• Just looking at you makes me feel all ecumenical.
• Is this the transfiguration.. because you are glowing
• I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation

Why Not Me?

Last night my roommates were talking about a professor they had who was particularly frustrating. The class seemed to be a package deal of suckiness: poor choice of books for the course, lack of discussion with the class and an overall socially awkward professor. One day the professor mentioned that his child was spouting off theological terms before he said “daddy”. That made me sad. It also made me realize that this man was married. Eventually I blurted out loud to my roommates, “How is he married and we’re not?” This thought has crossed my mind many times and I found out that I was not alone. While we all agreed that it was jerky, prideful, etc. to think these things, we also knew that we had thought them many times. “Really? Him? Her?” I think my question underneath it all is, “Why not me?” If I follow this thread in my heart, I see that I can view marriage as a sort of reward. If I’m good and do the things God has called me to, then He will bring that man into my life. So, when I see others getting married, those who I deem as not following God enough, or unwilling to walk through their issues (as if I can determine what that looks like), it strikes me as unfair. Even as I type these words out, I feel guilt. Somehow, they seem so much more harsh on the page than in my brain. Yet, these thoughts and feelings do run through my head. I don’t think this desire for rewards completely fuels my desire to be in relationship with God, but it is present, no matter how much I try to dress it up in faith and devotion.

This all points to an expectation on my part of a tit for tat world. If I do X, then Y will be my result. Always. Infallibly. A few years ago I was in an Old Testament survey course. We were going through wisdom literature and my professor made an interesting point about Proverbs and Job. Proverbs is a book of traditional wisdom. In general, wise living can yield a fruitful life. But that’s not the end of the story. That’s where Job comes in. Job lived wisely. He was an honorable man and successful in life. His life was torn apart and wise living did not protect him from losing everything. There are times when life doesn’t make sense. There is more going on than we can see. The two books together give a nuanced perspective on life, but it is challenging to hold both of those realities at the same time.

My living a wise life will not save me. My living a wise life does not mean that I will get married when I want to. I can say that, but I know that my heart often believes that living a devoted life will directly earn me the things I most desire. When I want them. So, the question is: Can I trust God to work out my life as He chooses to? Can I continue to open my heart to a life outside of the formula?

My prayer in this:
Lord, have mercy. Help me to trust You, not in a formula. Lord, you see how I use pride to defend against some really tender places in my heart. Places that feel forgotten and unseen. I need Your love in those places. I need You in those places. Amen.

Online Dating?

I haven't posted in a long, long time. Well, yesterday I had an experience that I thought would go great on the blog. Hopefully, this will get the ball rolling for me to post more frequently.

Yesterday I was on a dating website and had one of the users contact me. I was looking through his profile when I came across this extra information he wanted to let the reader know:

"I live a principle driven life and I am the real deal. Every girl growing up has a list of qualities ... I'm that man, the one they should have held out for (I didn't make this up, and I hate breaking hearts, but this is what I've been told by all my really close friends)."

I was shocked. I re-read it. No, this can't be, but somehow, into my lap has fallen pure, comedic gold! Most of the time I read pretty normal profiles, but once in awhile, something great like this appears, like a gift. The rest of the night my roommates and I kept referring to each other as God's gift to men.

But wait, there's more! Here are some highlights from a favorite profile I discovered about a year ago:

Most passionate about:

Cooking, art, singing and helping those in need: the homeless I am seeking someone that will lead to marriage. I am strictly opposed to pre-martial sex. The person I desire to meet will attend church more than once a week, she would not drink alcohol, nor smoke, she would be an excellent cook and enjoy cooking, desire to have children, do not care for sports (football, basket ball etc) but love ice skating, ballet, etc and loves a good home life and is content to be at home with her husband but also enjoy going out. MANY WILL CLOSE ME AS A MATCH: GOOD! I AM NOT SEEKING JUST ANYONE, BUT A RARE PERSON WHO LIKEWISE WANT THE SAME THINGS IN LIFE

Included under what he's looking for in another:

Someone who loves to cook, love home life, sewing, height and weight in check, like traveling as well, but content with home life, love children and want children.

The first thing people notice about X is:
A calmness and peacefulness that mostly babies and animals can detect.

The calmness detected by animals and children just sealed the deal for me. Best profile...ever. Am I going to pursue contact with these men? No. Am I grateful to them? Yes. The gift of laughter is dear to me.

So, what has your experience been with online dating? I have tried it on and off for about a year and haven't been impressed. Although I definitely have friends who have met the person they married online.