Why Not Me?

Last night my roommates were talking about a professor they had who was particularly frustrating. The class seemed to be a package deal of suckiness: poor choice of books for the course, lack of discussion with the class and an overall socially awkward professor. One day the professor mentioned that his child was spouting off theological terms before he said “daddy”. That made me sad. It also made me realize that this man was married. Eventually I blurted out loud to my roommates, “How is he married and we’re not?” This thought has crossed my mind many times and I found out that I was not alone. While we all agreed that it was jerky, prideful, etc. to think these things, we also knew that we had thought them many times. “Really? Him? Her?” I think my question underneath it all is, “Why not me?” If I follow this thread in my heart, I see that I can view marriage as a sort of reward. If I’m good and do the things God has called me to, then He will bring that man into my life. So, when I see others getting married, those who I deem as not following God enough, or unwilling to walk through their issues (as if I can determine what that looks like), it strikes me as unfair. Even as I type these words out, I feel guilt. Somehow, they seem so much more harsh on the page than in my brain. Yet, these thoughts and feelings do run through my head. I don’t think this desire for rewards completely fuels my desire to be in relationship with God, but it is present, no matter how much I try to dress it up in faith and devotion.

This all points to an expectation on my part of a tit for tat world. If I do X, then Y will be my result. Always. Infallibly. A few years ago I was in an Old Testament survey course. We were going through wisdom literature and my professor made an interesting point about Proverbs and Job. Proverbs is a book of traditional wisdom. In general, wise living can yield a fruitful life. But that’s not the end of the story. That’s where Job comes in. Job lived wisely. He was an honorable man and successful in life. His life was torn apart and wise living did not protect him from losing everything. There are times when life doesn’t make sense. There is more going on than we can see. The two books together give a nuanced perspective on life, but it is challenging to hold both of those realities at the same time.

My living a wise life will not save me. My living a wise life does not mean that I will get married when I want to. I can say that, but I know that my heart often believes that living a devoted life will directly earn me the things I most desire. When I want them. So, the question is: Can I trust God to work out my life as He chooses to? Can I continue to open my heart to a life outside of the formula?

My prayer in this:
Lord, have mercy. Help me to trust You, not in a formula. Lord, you see how I use pride to defend against some really tender places in my heart. Places that feel forgotten and unseen. I need Your love in those places. I need You in those places. Amen.